This is how I am going to try and salvage any dignity that is now scarce. I am literally at the lowest point of my life and real life has not even started.
In a very disappointing, yet stress-free ending, I finished my studies, but only now I am realizing that it is not the right path for me. I still stand firmly to the idea that I will not do what I do not enjoy. The only problem is, what I enjoy does not return profit. Unless I count the entertainment of others as valuable.
I currently have no income of any sort, but I have been able to determine that I would be of any assistance to whoever that would pay, and for someone poorer than a legless beggar, I was willing to do anything. Helping out at mosques (and even a church once), washing cars, mowing lawns, painting gates, part-time jobs at malls, you name it.
Before anyone spares the brilliant suggestion to find a 'proper' job, I am already ahead of that. How fantastic it is to be stuck at the point of time where the unemployment rate beats the number of times I have been to interviews, filling every similiar looking forms, effortlessly impressing douchebags who are at the other end of the table, just because they were there first, only for none of them to ever call back, by a fucking miniscule margine, that is. Basically, I am trying- nay, struggling to be placed at what everyone deemed as 'stable' , and I have to be content of the fact that it is hard. I have no other option but to never stop. The nightmare that is working in a fucking cubicle, surrounded by papers and neverending sounds of tapping of the keyboards and ringing phones, with collegues of shallow mindsets because this is a third world country, might even come true, and I will have no choice but to live it.
I could go on about how unfair life is to have a wealthy father who does not spare a single cent on me, or how I have been technically unsupported since I was 15, and seven years since, I still wake up wondering if I would even have a bite of a slice of bread, just so I could last the day. Rationally speaking, this is not a situation that I would have even have to be in, if my father was not such a- whatever. I already know that I am on my own and whining about it will not change a fucking thing.
I have pushed aside all hopes of social connections, be it love or friendship, solely because I accept that I do not deserve any of it, ever again. Nobody would want to be around a man who could barely afford himself. Fucking hell, even I do not want to be associated with myself. I am however, extremely grateful of the fact that I somehow found the strength to actually not mind any of that. Being disowned and a few other sappy bullshit stories have helped with the sturdiness of my psyche. It could be that it is actually in a state beyond shattered pieces that I no longer see the need to rebuild so I just permanently stopped caring about anything much anymore, but that is a weak excuse.
So I have nowhere to go but march right on, with whatever I can reach and pull out from my pockets, and hope whatever that is in my head would be worthy of bigger opportunities. I have to face this life of poverty, and I absolutely fucking hate it. My life needs a miracle, but I can not just sit around and wait for it. I have to swim through this pile of shit, whether I like it or not. The best part is, my ego prevents me from giving up. I just cannot bring myself to cry and beg and plead. I rather just struggle, fall, then crawl on my knees. I prefer having a legitimate reason to bleed.
Underneath all these layers of troubling thoughts, I am happy. I am happy because I could already foresee a lower than mediocre ending for me. It was nice to think that I would have a different story. It was fun to imagine luxury, it was awesome to have had it. As a natural poor man's reaction; I am still breathing, therefore I should not complain of anything, because I am living, and that's the most I should be expecting.
This is the beginning of a slowly corroding chain of events which will end with me buried, remembered as nothing.
I'm done.
Afan.
