Haylie

So it’s been 5 months since we broke up. Why am I still not over you? Let us recap.

September 1st, 2008. I said “You’re me, but a girl.” on your c-box at your blogspot and everything started from there. It was surreal, you can’t deny that. We finished each other’s sentences and basically just read each other’s mind about everything. It was too impossible to call it coincidence. At the back of our minds, we were thinking “This might be it. This might be love.”

I’m a man with a 10 layer wall protecting my heart. Before you, that is. Then you came and walked into that fortress without any problem. And I let you. I let you walk in. Only because I was truly convinced that I’ve finally found love.

So we were happy for 10 months until one day, you wanted out because you just somehow don’t feel the same anymore. I was devastated. We shared a lot and you decide to just end it just like that.

After a month or so, I showed you that I’m the one you love. I was willing to do anything to make you happy. To be the best for you. So we got back together. I was happy again. Then you promised you’ll never leave again. I believed you but I kept a fraction of my heart to be cautious. I changed for the better.

Too good I suppose. Because one day you told me you were getting smothered. You said I loved you too much. You asked me to love you less. And you left again. Only to come back the very next day. I become more cautious. To protect myself from another heartbreak. You noticed that, you told me that there’s no point being in a relationship where someone is not giving 100%. I complied. I gave you 200% because of that.

As we wait for you to finish with school, we weren’t going through any conflict at all. Then the day came. Last day of SPM. We went to Curve to celebrate. I can’t wait to spend a lot of time with you. And we did spend a lot of time for 3 days. The very next day, out of nowhere. Out of nowhere, you cheated.

Imagine being told to drive full speed because someone told you that it’s okay to do so. Then the very same person put a concrete wall, and you crash into it. Full speed. If you don’t die, you get paralyzed. So now please understand what I’m going through.

What have I done so bad to make you do that to me? I never even looked at other girls while I was with you. I couldn’t even have a celebrity crush. I can’t even play with my niece if you’re on the phone. Other than you, females didn't exist in my life while with you.

After all the breakdowns and suicide attempts and rage, time patched it up a bit. But those wounds tend to get cut up again randomly. I’ll never be okay until you realize what you’ve done. But now you think I’m psychotic? Anyone would have lost their mind if this happened to them. Remember who pushed me, remember who made me this way. How cruel can someone be? Why don’t you just shoot someone and leave them to bleed to death, only they don’t. They stayed alive and now they have a scar that will never heal. How cruel can you be? No apologies, no regrets, nothing. You just walked away. Do you expect me to just forgive you and everything will be okay again? I actually did. I forgave you for everything. So now, the aftermath. I can’t go on a day without thinking will you ever realize what you’ve done to me because it is that bad. Break up happens, cheating happens, but not after everything you promised. Not after everything you told me. I’m traumatized of love now thanks to you. Where is your heart? Where is your heart? Where is your heart?

If our relationship was like any other than I wouldn’t have made this a big deal. But you know, you know what we had, is going to be very had to top. I know you know. Falling in love instantaneously, 9 hour phone call, willing to be by your side for 3 days after your surgery, trusting me with the one thing all girls hold sacred to, unless they’re whores.

The best part is, you’re currently happy with your life. Congratulations, you got away.

I'm done.

Afan.